Tag: Friendship

I Do and I Don’t

It’s wedding season. If you are in the middle or soon to be planning a wedding, here is my unsolicited advice for your special day. Some of this advice I actually followed and others were learned along the way. Just remember at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is you are marrying the one you love.

First – set your budget. This is important because things add up quickly! Do not forget to include stamps if you will be mailing out invitations. If you are going to pay for anything, make sure it is listed as a budget item.

After you have the budget talk, sit with your partner and decide the top 3 things that are important to you both. Spend the majority of your budget there. For our wedding it was Food (me), drinks (him) and music (both). This helped us be able to have the band we wanted, and provide yummy food and drinks to our guests. Normally I would have included photographer, but I was extremely lucky to have an amazing friend that doubles as a Photographer! Not only did she take amazing pictures, but she was there the whole day for me too!

Before planning anything, remember this is about YOU, YOUR PARTNER and YOUR LOVE! There are no set rules that you must follow. Make this day about the two of you. Have it be a reflection of you both and something to enjoy. So if you want it and it is in budget, DO IT! This is not a pass to be a bossy bride, but a reminder that you can make this as unique as you like. Think outside the box. Our rehearsal dinner was at Top Golf. We had a lot of out of town guests and wanted to do something fun. Food was Mexican, buffet style. We offered guests drink tickets and any additional drinks, they purchased. We had a few golf bays and the guests could play and mingle. It was a fun way for our family and friends to interact and not be as awkward as a formal setting might be.

Have an excellent planner/director by your side. This will be one of the areas you look back on and are so thankful for the splurge. They have more experience (duh) at weddings and can provide not only information and suggestions (all of my vendors were from her suggestions), but can be the calm you need for the big day! Let’s face it, at least one thing is going to go wrong that day, your planner/director will be the POC. They will answer the questions and provide guidance throughout the day. You will only be worried with something if it is a major change or issue. Do this for yourself, it will help allow you to enjoy the moment and not stress as much! I honestly would not have made it through the day without mine. Thanks again K!

Create the Pinterest Board. Add any pictures and ideas you like. I was only able to find one bouquet I loved and it was the inspo for all other flowers. So pin the dang pictures – even the extravagant ones – you never know what you might use. This board can also help your vendors see what you do or even do not like.

For getting ready: Surround yourself with your support team. You most likely won’t need them, but if you do they will be there. Getting ready time does not have to be limited to just the bridal party, especially if you have a smaller wedding. Let your closest be there with you too! Make sure to have snacks around and graze as you get ready. Good options/ideas: Chicken nugget tray, crackers, grapes, bananas, and drinks. Avoid anything that will stain your teeth or clothes.

Registry: Pick just a few stores to create a registry. This is your time to ask for anything you might want and it be guilt free!! Make sure to have a wide price range, but do not exclude the higher priced items. Often times couples will go in with other couples to get the higher end items. I would highly suggest putting practical items on your registry as well: sheets, towels, cookware, silverware. A new trend is also adding a honeymoon or experience registry — this will allow family and friends to help contribute to your honeymoon or experiences you want to do. I loved this idea from a friend. We gifted them an excursion (partly) and they were able to enjoy an outing after the wedding!

Area where I saved? Centerpieces….Nobody remembers the centerpieces, so do not let that be a stressful point. Think about the last wedding you attended, I am almost positive you do not remember the table decor. I don’t even know what the decor was at my wedding. I let the florist decide based on my likes and dislikes. It looked beautiful and I had zero stress about any of it.

Don’t waste money on the fancy shoes…Yes, I am talking to YOU and myself! This was a hard lesson learned. I ended up with 3 pairs of shoes and wore the cute flats…they were also best for the pictures. Again, nobody will remember the shoes, but it isn’t about that. Do not make yourself uncomfortable, buy the cute flats for detail pics! This will save you money and save your feet so that you can enjoy the day and not be in pain! I wish I had gone with a pair of converse and had the monogrammed honestly.

Venues: If you are trying to save a little, look at off days for your wedding. If you choose a Friday or Sunday (basically any day other than Saturday), the venue could have a discounted rate. Check to see if the venue has any restrictions that might make you shy away from booking. There are a LOT of hidden fees and ways to save, especially on reception sites. If your venue is not close to town, you might also want to consider transportation options for your guests – especially if alcohol will be served.

Pictures: I touched on photography earlier. For me this was very important. But what the heck do you do with all of them after? Create a book, like Shutterfly or one of the other sites. I have a book and gifted one to each mother as well. The year you get married – everyone gets pictures for Christmas, just do it because it will be the one and only time that is acceptable. After that, pick a few of your favorites to print and have around the house.

Don’t let your wedding be a source of stress. Remember why you are doing it in the first place. Elopement is always an option too – then just come back and have a big reception party! Whatever you decide, it is for you and your partner. If you remember that, you can’t go wrong!

Share your tips for those heading to chapel!!

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“How can I help you to say goodbye?”

There are few things in life that I can say for certain will happen – hunger, sleep and death. It could never rain again or the sun might not shine, happiness is not guaranteed and life can deal some shit hands sometimes. I hate knowing that in a short amount of time, because honestly even forever wouldn’t be long enough, that I am going to have to find a way to say goodbye again….

This time my goodbye is for George. If you don’t know George, you truly are missing out a little bit. George loves unabashedly, enjoys all the foods, and has perfected the cuddle and snuggles. I could go on and on about how wonderful George is, or how unfair it is that something out of our control is going to make us have to say goodbye so soon. Why are goodbyes so hard??

In 1993, Patty Loveless released the song, “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye.” It is a progression of a young girl moving away from her best friend, that young girl growing up and going through a separation from her partner, and then the death of her mother. In all these times her mother asks how can she help? The truth is nothing truly helps for a goodbye – whether it be from death, or separation or some other change. One line says “it’s ok to hurt and it’s ok to cry,” and it is ok to not be ok.

It will take some time for me to be ok, but one thing I know is that I will eventually be ok. I’ve had some big goodbyes in my lifetime and I’ve managed to get through them all. Knowing, even more so because it is extremely evident, that the remaining time with George is so finite, it has changed my view on life. Life is too short to be miserable, not just one or two bad days, but consistently not happy, NOT OK! There are a lot of options for help to get things better. Do not be afraid to make a change because of the unknown, live like George. Remember to reward yourself for even the small victories, remember to take time to “stop and smell the roses” along the journey, and above all practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

I know this was a little off course from my previous posts, but honestly 2022 was a year full of gut punches. I’m working on my outlook for 2023 and hope to come out with a few less bumps and bruises. This means being more honest with myself when things are just plain crappy and when things are great. Acknowledging both is one change in my mental health journey and it’s helping me so far….I’m still learning to let go of things that are not in my control and rolling with the punches a little easier. I’m blessed to have a great support system, but that doesn’t mean I utilize them. I’m a silent sufferer you see, and don’t want to “be a burden.” I’m learning and trying to be better about that as well.

So if you are one of the “waiting for a sign” type….HERE YOU GO! Make the change, take the class, binge watch a silly show over the weekend, go out, stay in, just try to make yourself happy in a healthy way! It truly is just one step at a time.

“Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart”

It has been a while since I sat down to write anything. There are reasons and excuses, but it is time to get back to it. I’ll start this post by saying that 2022 was not the best year, by far. For many reasons, which I won’t be writing about just yet, it was one of the hardest I’ve gone through in all my years.

I was on TikTok and watched an interview with this man and he was talking about his depression and anxiety, and how he always felt like he was a filler chapter or side character in everyone else’s story. He was discussing this and was asked, what about your story? Why are you focused on where you stand in others’ stories, and be the main character of your own? Well damn dude, thanks for holding a mirror up and making me step back to refocus. Because of this, I’ve started to evaluate the relationships in my life and adjust accordingly.

I love the saying people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’m bad at giving the same amount of energy to each relationship and that isn’t sustainable, doing this will empty your cup and with an empty cup….you have nothing left to give. Growing up my grandfather would tell me, you have to take care of yourself first, and then help others. I asked him why once, because that isn’t what is usually taught. His reply? Because if you take care of everyone else first, eventually you won’t be able to take care of you or them. He knew this from experience, and again, his reply made me step back and refocus.

I never know if someone is a reason or season until after that relationship has run it’s course. While grateful for the lessons and that person, it is still hard when they are no longer a part of your life. I had this exact conversation with my 16 year old niece recently. It made me think back on my life and those that were in previous chapters…..some good and some bad. We blame so much of losing touch on life and being busy, which isn’t a lie but more so an excuse (for the majority). I’m guilty too, so don’t think I’m sitting in my glass house throwing rocks. It makes us feel a little better about not talking to or seeing our friends/family.

While I think we all want to feel important to others, we can’t drop focus that we are the main character of our own lives! We are the one constant, and need to be better for ourselves. We need to remember to treat others with kindness certainly, but we do not have to put everyone and/or everything else before ourselves! For me, this means putting things on paper…well blog. It is time for me to get down some of the thoughts and feelings happening, to help process. To help me be able to focus on the important things and not let my anxiety overwhelm me.

Life can be cruel. It can literally feel like you’re crawling through the darkness just trying to find a little bit of light. Sometimes the light is your heartbeat and it has to be your guide. Keep going, even if it is crawling or sitting still, as that might be what you need anyway. To be still….

“I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100%…….”

Now that you have Lizzo’s hit song, Truth Hurts, playing in your head, you are welcome. Lizzo, if you do not know (SHAME), is a performing artist – singer, song writer, rapper and flutist! Besides her musical talents, this woman is a freaking rock star, seriously and no pun intended. Amazon Prime just released a reality show focused on Lizzo and her “Big Grrrls.” These are her dancers, and let me just tell you those girls can MOVE. I watched every episode and loved it. The message behind what Lizzo is trying to do and share with her fame is inspiring.

No, this is not a review of the show or Lizzo’s music or even the dancers. This is to share how Lizzo is not only breaking glass ceilings, but she is speaking her truth and empowering others to do the same. The show focuses on women from all over and from different backgrounds as they audition for the chance to be on stage and dancing with Lizzo as she performs. Each episode is a different challenge for the dancers, but also designed to help improve their skills, mental health and self love. You get to see these women become confident with not only their bodies, but with who they are as individuals!

Lizzo is spreading SELF LOVE! The world needs more love, but if we are honest — we all need to love ourselves just a bit more as well. WE need to embrace our differences and uniqueness! That is the exact message that Ms. Melissa Viviane Jefferson (Lizzo) spreads. If you look at her social media pages she is comfortable in her own skin and shows it and helps others see what they offer the world as well. She doesn’t hide her hard days or that sometimes the rude and nasty comments people will make do get to her, but she keeps persisting. She not only speaks, but shows that it does not matter what critics will say about you. You can follow your dreams, you can be you, take up the space you deserve. Do not shrink or fade into the background because someone thinks you are not good enough, or pretty enough, or whatever is the negativity they are throwing your way. At times during the show my heart ached for the dancers as they described being told they were too this or too that or not even given a chance based on their size, color and even gender. Then to see them become confident because Lizzo said, F THAT, YOU CAN DANCE. YOU ARE A DANCER.

I’m not sure that as a society we have reached the point where we fully understand the impact that words have on individuals. I also am not sure when we all stopped following the rule “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Words of Affirmation is one of the 5 Love Languages described by Gary Chapman in his book, “The 5 love Languages.” WORDS of affirmation is one of the main ways that a lot of people receive love and feel loved. Words hurt and stay with people a lot longer than most of us care to admit. So why do so many people use their words to tear down others instead of lifting them up? Or if not to lift another up, just keep your mouth shut. It is not hard, nor is it too complex. On the counter side, we have to be willing to call out others when they say something that is hurtful or out of line, even as a “joke.” Not all jokes are funny and not all jokes should be shared, so stop it as it is heard.

I hope to use Lizzo as my inspiration as I continue on my own journey of growth and self love. It doesn’t hurt that most of her songs are hella fun to jam to as well. Go ahead and listen to a few of her songs to get some good vibes and put your positivity out into the world! YOU are ENOUGH! YOU are SPECIAL!

So to Lizzo, THANK YOU! Thank you for being you, and for showing the BIG GRRRLLS and EVERYONE that we are worthy! That we all have something special to offer the world and do not let anyone rain on your own parade!

PS – yes, I know Lizzo is not going to see some small town girl’s blog, but she deserves a thank you regardless!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lizzo

https://www.instagram.com/lizzobeeating/?hl=en

“You’re in the same boat with a lotta your friends, Waitin’ for the day your ship’ll come in, An’ the tide’s gonna turn and it’s all gonna roll your way” ~ Nine to Five, Dolly Parton

This is going to sound strange, but I talk to my current work friends more than anyone else these days. The strange part? We have never met in person. We talk, email, text and FaceTime, but have never been together in person. These two ladies are a huge part of my support system. We have an open group where we can talk about anything – work, life, love, health – you name it and we have discussed it. We are all so different, and we are all fiercely strong women with big attitudes, yet we all get along even if we do not agree on everything.

These are the people that get it when I can’t work for one more minute that day, support me when I decide to start writing a blog, and even force me to call the doctor. Friends can come in all shapes and sizes, the three of us could be the poster pic for that saying. We hold each other accountable, we push each other to be better, but also make sure we are taking the time to take care of ourselves – physically and mentally. You hear people talking or posting about how as women we need to support each other more – that is what these ladies do!

They are equally creative as well. One is a baker at heart. You should see the Frozen themed Elsa cookies and cake she made for her niece – the pictures with the perfect frosting and matching sprinkles made my mouth water! The other is a visual. A visual? This is what I call someone that has multiple creative outlets, but each of these outlets creates a beautiful picture. She creates videos, costumes, make-up, gifts (bags/glasses/all the things), and graphic designs. We each have our own separate lives, that we know the high level on, and we can go a couple of days without a text, but no matter what these two ladies have been in my corner since day one.

Work friends are an important part of life. We spend the majority of our days with Work friends. This means that when you change jobs that unless these work friends transition into another group, we usually lose touch with them. I can tell you there are previous work friends that I miss all of the time and wonder how they are, outside of the random social media posts. I also have work friends that crossed into another group and we keep in touch, even when one lives in a different country every few years!

Covid and remote working have changed our interactions with work friends, at least they did for me. I am full time work from home, therefore my “office mates” are my 4 dogs and occasionally the husband if he is sick or has to work from home as well. I do miss lunch/grocery shopping dates and the inside jokes that come with in person office interactions, but I do not miss having to get ready every day. I am thankful that despite working from home, and that starting a new job in the middle of a pandemic didn’t hinder getting new work friends.

My husband is different. His work friends are his adult friends as well. He met most when he moved to Birmingham and they clicked. Honestly? They are a great group of people and I understand why they all transcend the work friend group. they spend 50+ hours a week together at work, they are lucky they get along so well (most of the time). Despite all that time? They still choose to spend time together outside of work as well – golfing, fishing, hunting, weddings, lake – all the time! I am thankful for his work friends because some have become my friends as well!!

This is Part 3 of TBD on Adult Friendships. Part 2: https://emmaswarmestregards.com/2022/01/08/friendship-takes-work-finding-friends-nurturing-friendships-scheduling-face-time-it-all-take-a-tremendous-amount-of-work-but-its-worth-it-if-you-put-in-the-effort-you/

“Friendship takes work. Finding friends, nurturing friendships, scheduling face time, it all take a tremendous amount of work. But it’s worth it. If you put in the effort, you’ll see the rewards of positive friends who will make your life extraordinary.” – Maya Angelou

I struggle with letting my friends know when my feelings are hurt by their actions, or lack there of….why? I started thinking about this more because of two points raised during my research on friendships – read as talking to my friends about friendships: 1 – when friendships are no longer fulfilling you/the friendship feels one sided and 2 – reevaluating friendships and removing those that are “toxic.”

Friendships are relationships that also need work, some more than others. From our friends we look for validation, but ultimately it is their support we need the most. To know, despite disagreements, they are in our corner. We need to be honest with our friends, but mostly ourselves, on what it is we need from our friendships: Acceptance, to feel seen, to be included, to feel as if they care and you matter, corny jokes, the weather, life advice, memories…

Dani* told me that she is tired because she has realized recently that a few of her friendships are taking more than they give. <Well Emma, isn’t that how relationships go? You would be right, some of the time – and that is OK.> If a relationship (or person) is constantly taking more than he/she is putting into it on a REGULAR basis, the scales will ultimately tip. You see my friend is feeling this. She is a giver by nature, always has been and does not require a lot. But damn, is it too much to ask for her friends (the ones she is referencing) to ask how she is doing? Call or text for the SOLE purpose to say hi and check on HER? She needs to know that she is not just a “friend” because of what she does and can do to help. Just because she is a “Low Maintenance” friend does not mean she doesn’t deserve the same attention given to the “High Maintenance” friends.

Anna Grace*, a friend in a different group, said that she has started evaluating the relationships in her life as well. She is removing the people that she feels are “toxic” and not part of her new, positive life changes. Good for you! This is not easy to do and often an unpopular opinion. It is OK to walk AWAY from people in your life if they are toxic or bring constant negativity to your life.

Anna Grace* understood the assignment y’all. When we were discussing friendships she said, “different friend groups bring a different purpose for me – not anyone better or worse or more fulfilling than the other.” YES! I knew this, I guess the ah-ha moment for me is realizing that despite grouping our friends, that does not mean they can’t surprise you with what they bring to the table. I should know this better, because I have friends that are in more than one group or have crossed from one group to another.

I realized that just because something is important to me, does not mean that it will be important to my friends. The support I thought – hoped – that I would receive from one friend group – an Adult friendship group – has actually come from another – Work Friends. That is OK too!

I’ve had to not only evaluate my own friendships, but also the type of friend that I am for these posts. Just like with all other things in life there was some good – things I want to keep doing, and some bad – things that have to change or be fixed. Almost everyone, that took time to discuss friendships with me, said that time would be the thing they would like to change about friendships. The amount of time we have to spend with friends is limited, for various reasons and excuses. The amount of time we have is limited, PERIOD. So are we, myself included, going to continue to say “we need to do dinner soon” or are we actually going to plan the damn dinner and go? Spend time with the people you enjoy, and those that bring positivity to your life. Life is too short otherwise!

*Names have been changed – stories have not.

This is Part 2 of TBD on Adult Friendships. Part 1: https://emmaswarmestregards.com/2022/01/06/many-people-will-walk-in-and-out-of-your-life-but-only-true-friends-will-leave-footprints-in-your-heart-eleanor-roosevelt/.

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