Tag: Friends

Can I Ask You a Question?

What do I have to say that others might want to hear? That is the plaguing question I constantly have running through my thoughts. Then I try to remember, that my writing is a creative outlet for me, not for others. I didn’t set out to reach the masses, I just wanted to write about my journey and personal life lessons. If my journey or thoughts help someone else, that is an amazing bonus and truly what I would like to happen. As a high school friend recently told me, “I shared my story and journey in hopes that it would help others.”

I am making this post in part to get your input on posts. You can message or comment if there are topics you would like to see discussed or questions answered…disclaimer this will all (obviously, but iykyk) my personal opinion, unless otherwise stated. SOOOOOO………the floor is open. I am all ears and can’t wait to hear what you have to say. I can assure you that unless I have your permission, you will not be mentioned by name or identifying facts (I was a read ahead and practice the paragraph kid too), so I understand nerves!

If you are writing and want an outlet to have an audience or just a guest post, I am here for it!! Just let me know and we can get to working on it immediately!!

I recently started watching a new series on Netflix. I am not going to mention it just yet because I am still in the middle of the series and to be completely honest, still processing a lot of it. It did make me want to think of creating a series on a topic to post and build from there, although that has absolutely nothing to do with the show at all….ehhh, that is my brain for you.

I am honored and thrilled that you are reading my post(s) – first time or returning – truly. I hope you will be on the lookout for upcoming posts!

Remember to always practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

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I Do and I Don’t

It’s wedding season. If you are in the middle or soon to be planning a wedding, here is my unsolicited advice for your special day. Some of this advice I actually followed and others were learned along the way. Just remember at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is you are marrying the one you love.

First – set your budget. This is important because things add up quickly! Do not forget to include stamps if you will be mailing out invitations. If you are going to pay for anything, make sure it is listed as a budget item.

After you have the budget talk, sit with your partner and decide the top 3 things that are important to you both. Spend the majority of your budget there. For our wedding it was Food (me), drinks (him) and music (both). This helped us be able to have the band we wanted, and provide yummy food and drinks to our guests. Normally I would have included photographer, but I was extremely lucky to have an amazing friend that doubles as a Photographer! Not only did she take amazing pictures, but she was there the whole day for me too!

Before planning anything, remember this is about YOU, YOUR PARTNER and YOUR LOVE! There are no set rules that you must follow. Make this day about the two of you. Have it be a reflection of you both and something to enjoy. So if you want it and it is in budget, DO IT! This is not a pass to be a bossy bride, but a reminder that you can make this as unique as you like. Think outside the box. Our rehearsal dinner was at Top Golf. We had a lot of out of town guests and wanted to do something fun. Food was Mexican, buffet style. We offered guests drink tickets and any additional drinks, they purchased. We had a few golf bays and the guests could play and mingle. It was a fun way for our family and friends to interact and not be as awkward as a formal setting might be.

Have an excellent planner/director by your side. This will be one of the areas you look back on and are so thankful for the splurge. They have more experience (duh) at weddings and can provide not only information and suggestions (all of my vendors were from her suggestions), but can be the calm you need for the big day! Let’s face it, at least one thing is going to go wrong that day, your planner/director will be the POC. They will answer the questions and provide guidance throughout the day. You will only be worried with something if it is a major change or issue. Do this for yourself, it will help allow you to enjoy the moment and not stress as much! I honestly would not have made it through the day without mine. Thanks again K!

Create the Pinterest Board. Add any pictures and ideas you like. I was only able to find one bouquet I loved and it was the inspo for all other flowers. So pin the dang pictures – even the extravagant ones – you never know what you might use. This board can also help your vendors see what you do or even do not like.

For getting ready: Surround yourself with your support team. You most likely won’t need them, but if you do they will be there. Getting ready time does not have to be limited to just the bridal party, especially if you have a smaller wedding. Let your closest be there with you too! Make sure to have snacks around and graze as you get ready. Good options/ideas: Chicken nugget tray, crackers, grapes, bananas, and drinks. Avoid anything that will stain your teeth or clothes.

Registry: Pick just a few stores to create a registry. This is your time to ask for anything you might want and it be guilt free!! Make sure to have a wide price range, but do not exclude the higher priced items. Often times couples will go in with other couples to get the higher end items. I would highly suggest putting practical items on your registry as well: sheets, towels, cookware, silverware. A new trend is also adding a honeymoon or experience registry — this will allow family and friends to help contribute to your honeymoon or experiences you want to do. I loved this idea from a friend. We gifted them an excursion (partly) and they were able to enjoy an outing after the wedding!

Area where I saved? Centerpieces….Nobody remembers the centerpieces, so do not let that be a stressful point. Think about the last wedding you attended, I am almost positive you do not remember the table decor. I don’t even know what the decor was at my wedding. I let the florist decide based on my likes and dislikes. It looked beautiful and I had zero stress about any of it.

Don’t waste money on the fancy shoes…Yes, I am talking to YOU and myself! This was a hard lesson learned. I ended up with 3 pairs of shoes and wore the cute flats…they were also best for the pictures. Again, nobody will remember the shoes, but it isn’t about that. Do not make yourself uncomfortable, buy the cute flats for detail pics! This will save you money and save your feet so that you can enjoy the day and not be in pain! I wish I had gone with a pair of converse and had the monogrammed honestly.

Venues: If you are trying to save a little, look at off days for your wedding. If you choose a Friday or Sunday (basically any day other than Saturday), the venue could have a discounted rate. Check to see if the venue has any restrictions that might make you shy away from booking. There are a LOT of hidden fees and ways to save, especially on reception sites. If your venue is not close to town, you might also want to consider transportation options for your guests – especially if alcohol will be served.

Pictures: I touched on photography earlier. For me this was very important. But what the heck do you do with all of them after? Create a book, like Shutterfly or one of the other sites. I have a book and gifted one to each mother as well. The year you get married – everyone gets pictures for Christmas, just do it because it will be the one and only time that is acceptable. After that, pick a few of your favorites to print and have around the house.

Don’t let your wedding be a source of stress. Remember why you are doing it in the first place. Elopement is always an option too – then just come back and have a big reception party! Whatever you decide, it is for you and your partner. If you remember that, you can’t go wrong!

Share your tips for those heading to chapel!!

One of a Kind

On display, like a piece of borrowed and precious art. The line of those who have come to see this one of a kind, seems never ending. Many are in disbelief, some are in shock, most are crying. Each one knows, though do not want to admit, this is the last time any will see this work in person. From now on they can only recount memories, look at old pictures, and tell stories over and over again.

She walks around speaking to those that came, a smile on her face, but sadness in her eyes. In a state that is somewhere between reality and imaginary, not wanting, not able to believe that she too is left with memories for the rest of her days. Sleep is fleeting, and when it comes is restless; filled with dreams and nightmares. Not knowing if she should cry or scream, she sits, smiling as others walk by, in silence….her memories on a repeating loop.

Overcome with an onslaught of emotions, a young lady falls to the ground. She is surrounded by ones she loves, but it is not enough at that moment. She is only a teenager, old enough to understand but still young enough to not be able to grasp the situation fully. She takes her turn in the line and doesn’t understand.

You might still be confused as to what piece of art could cause this type of reaction, or you might have figured it out by now….the one of a kind is a person – a son, a father, husband, friend. A life gone far too soon. A husband, no longer there for silly fights and lazy day cuddles. A dad, not there to answer questions. A brother not there to laugh about crazy family. A friend, not there to catch the game. Old or young, the one thing we know for certain is that we will all pass away, we just do not have our expiration dates.

Death is a hard topic, almost taboo it seems. It leaves no one alone or untouched, yet it is not a dinner table discussion. Why? Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is final. But it is one thing that happens to every single living being. Death is what triggered my anxiety. I was too young to understand why, and didn’t feel comfortable discussing it either. We also do not talk about those that have died near enough in my opinion. It is ok to tell a story and cry or laugh, but tell the story. Share the love you had and keep the memories alive.

Those that are left after a death, have to try and process as best as possible. Grief is not linear, it is a journey. A journey that begins when you hear the news of the passing and ends upon your own expiration. I don’t think you ever truly get over a death, you just learn with each passing day how to live life in a new way, without that person. It is not easy, and some days are harder than others. Don’t compare your grief to others, some hide it well, others are more open with it. I don’t like to say life sucks, but it sure can be one heck of an asshole at times.

Remember life is short, no matter how long it lasts. Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

“Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart”

It has been a while since I sat down to write anything. There are reasons and excuses, but it is time to get back to it. I’ll start this post by saying that 2022 was not the best year, by far. For many reasons, which I won’t be writing about just yet, it was one of the hardest I’ve gone through in all my years.

I was on TikTok and watched an interview with this man and he was talking about his depression and anxiety, and how he always felt like he was a filler chapter or side character in everyone else’s story. He was discussing this and was asked, what about your story? Why are you focused on where you stand in others’ stories, and be the main character of your own? Well damn dude, thanks for holding a mirror up and making me step back to refocus. Because of this, I’ve started to evaluate the relationships in my life and adjust accordingly.

I love the saying people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’m bad at giving the same amount of energy to each relationship and that isn’t sustainable, doing this will empty your cup and with an empty cup….you have nothing left to give. Growing up my grandfather would tell me, you have to take care of yourself first, and then help others. I asked him why once, because that isn’t what is usually taught. His reply? Because if you take care of everyone else first, eventually you won’t be able to take care of you or them. He knew this from experience, and again, his reply made me step back and refocus.

I never know if someone is a reason or season until after that relationship has run it’s course. While grateful for the lessons and that person, it is still hard when they are no longer a part of your life. I had this exact conversation with my 16 year old niece recently. It made me think back on my life and those that were in previous chapters…..some good and some bad. We blame so much of losing touch on life and being busy, which isn’t a lie but more so an excuse (for the majority). I’m guilty too, so don’t think I’m sitting in my glass house throwing rocks. It makes us feel a little better about not talking to or seeing our friends/family.

While I think we all want to feel important to others, we can’t drop focus that we are the main character of our own lives! We are the one constant, and need to be better for ourselves. We need to remember to treat others with kindness certainly, but we do not have to put everyone and/or everything else before ourselves! For me, this means putting things on paper…well blog. It is time for me to get down some of the thoughts and feelings happening, to help process. To help me be able to focus on the important things and not let my anxiety overwhelm me.

Life can be cruel. It can literally feel like you’re crawling through the darkness just trying to find a little bit of light. Sometimes the light is your heartbeat and it has to be your guide. Keep going, even if it is crawling or sitting still, as that might be what you need anyway. To be still….

Little Women

I recently watched Little Women – the 1994 movie with Winona Ryder. It reminded me how much I loved the novel and the movie – it was adapted really well. The protagonist, Josephine ‘Jo’ March, is a woman before her time. The story takes place in the 1860 time-frame. So think Civil War times, women are to be seen not heard and certainly not able to be independent. Jo wants to push back on this as much as she can. She wants to tell the stories that swirl around in her head and also make the world a better place. She hates all of the pomp and circumstance of the time – what a girl should or shouldn’t do, how a girl should dress and act. She is raised with 3 sisters and an amazing mother – her father is away at war through most of the story. Marmie, her mother, lets Jo and her sisters express themselves as they wish – tussling about in the yard, having plays in the attic, going to school. Jo blazed a path and was not ashamed to go after what she wanted.

I was raised around women that were generous and kind. I loved them with everything I had, but I never wanted to be them. I never pictured myself as them – stay at home mom, doing laundry, cooking dinner every night. Let me say there is NOTHING wrong with that. I just never dreamed that life for myself, I would be terrible at it. I admire the ones that can be in this role and rock it, just like the women in my life did. It just wasn’t for me, it still isn’t. Their roles also involved being the leader of the family, the one keeping it all together and running, fixing the broken, the one everyone relied on for advice and comfort. I couldn’t be that for myself, let alone trying to imagine being that for other people. I saw how important they were to everyone around them after two of the three passed away. The crumble of the family structures. The divides. No more family holidays. Gone with them. That is probably why I never dreamed to be just like them, parts? Certainly, but have everyone depend on you? That is an amount of pressure I couldn’t withstand. This pushed me in a different direction, towards a different goal.

My goal was to be fiercely independent and help others as much as I could along the way, a little like Jo. I would not need to rely on anyone for my basic needs. I wanted to be able to support myself, but also do most of what I wanted, when I wanted. I promised myself I would not get married until I had purchased a car on my own and owned or house or could. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be me. So I set out to do just that, one step at a time. What I didn’t realize then is how many steps it would take, but also I didn’t realize the change and growth that comes with each stage of life. Each stage of life brings different lessons, good and bad experiences, change, hopefully growth, and wants and needs begin to evolve as well. My goal to be independent remained throughout, especially after my dad passed away. The drive to reach this goal was stronger than ever. For both my stability, but also the need to help others grew with him leaving the way he did. So suddenly. Seemingly out of the blue. I found out in that moment how truly short life is and that just because I have a goal to reach does not mean that I have to ignore life happening around me.

Watching Little Women reminded me of that girl that was hell bent on not needing anyone. I actually chuckled and related more to Jo’s sister, Amy in that moment. Amy is the baby and quite dramatic at times. I was naive to think that I would be able to accomplish such a goal without others. There is no way, that I am aware of, to become independent without the help and support of others. If I sat and tried to make of list of the people in my life that have helped get me to where I am today, or made an impact on me – whether they know or not, we would be here for days. I fully believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. They can have a large or small impact, but each leave you with a lesson or something you needed.

I am still fiercely independent, but I have softened a little as I age. I will let people know when I can’t add anything more to my plate. Better is that I have even learned to ask for help. To understand and know that I can, but I don’t have to do it on my own. I couldn’t imagine having to grow up during the times with Jo March. I’m thankful to have many more “freedoms” than she would have been able to experience. Not to mention the corsets! I would have fainted from being so constricted. Definitely a plus on the change in fashion from the Civil War era until now. I also am fully aware of the sacrifices the women in my life made so that I could be me. So that I could walk on my “own” for a while.

I’m taking what the three main ladies, as well as all of the other females in my life, have taught me and putting them into practice. I have 3 nieces now! I love each of them and want to be my best for them. I want to be the strong role model, but also the one they come to for anything – questions, laughs, driving lessons (AGM), to bitch about their parents, whatever they may need. I want to be the one they go to. I want to be their support – to show them they can chase any dream or goal and achieve it – just like I had. Just like I still do with the wickedly amazing women in my life. I’ve lost a few along the way, but I have also be extremely blessed to add a few as well. I treasure the relationship that I have with each of them. I’m still learning each and every day, I hope I continue for the rest of my life to learn something new each day – I’ve learned a lot about myself lately. I am realizing that I am finally that strong, independent woman I always wanted to be growing up. I have achieved this goal, and that is exciting. But this isn’t over, not yet. I’m going to extend this goal. I’m going to keep adding to it and racing to achieve it again. I’m still figuring out how that will look exactly in this stage of my life, but I’m excited to see what happens next……..

Magic Button

It’s funny how something like a smell or place or even a person can transport you back in time. How a certain smell can flash a memory from long ago you have to blink to be back in the present. I can’t wear perfume, but I have a bottle on my dresser. The perfume was the one my grandmother wore and every once in a while if I need a reminder I’ll spritz some in the air.

Facebook now logs memories from each day in previous years and shows you pictures and posts. Some of these memories are happy and funny, some I have no clue what they mean anymore or what I was referencing. Some are sad. Some send me down a rabbit hole. The rabbit hole of trying to remember the people and places and what was going on in that moment.

Trying to remember the 18 year old girl about it head to college. Trying to remember all the moving pieces and people during that strange time of my life. The no longer a girl, certainly not a woman, leaving her hometown and all she had known for a “big city” and endless opportunities and her chance to express her true self. I don’t remember a lot of it, but I think that’s normal. I remember certain things with such detail, even down to how I was feeling in that moment. Then there are others that I don’t recall at all if someone mentions it. What if there was a magic button that we could press that would transport us back to that moment and feeling?

The magic button could only be used for one moment or feeling. It can only be used once and then it is gone forever. But you could use the button as many times as you wish after you push it but only that one moment or feeling would be your experience. There would be time limits as well. You can only press the button 4 times a year. And the button will only work during that one press for 4 days to be able to see or feel. Would you want this magic button? Would you press the magic button? If you press the magic button, what moment and feeling are you selecting? Would you tell anyone what you picked? Would it be your secret? How would you feel if you were able to know if you were part of someone else’s moment or feeling? Would you want to know? Would you keep it to yourself or tell others?

I think if we could filter on a feeling or subject or place that I would want to know. This way I have some control of knowing what others are selecting that I might be involved. There should also be a block feature so you could control if you allow people to know if that are in your selection. If all of this could be in place, I’d want the button. I would also use the button. I know the exact moment and feeling I would want to relive the rest of my life. Do you?

“Friendship takes work. Finding friends, nurturing friendships, scheduling face time, it all take a tremendous amount of work. But it’s worth it. If you put in the effort, you’ll see the rewards of positive friends who will make your life extraordinary.” – Maya Angelou

I struggle with letting my friends know when my feelings are hurt by their actions, or lack there of….why? I started thinking about this more because of two points raised during my research on friendships – read as talking to my friends about friendships: 1 – when friendships are no longer fulfilling you/the friendship feels one sided and 2 – reevaluating friendships and removing those that are “toxic.”

Friendships are relationships that also need work, some more than others. From our friends we look for validation, but ultimately it is their support we need the most. To know, despite disagreements, they are in our corner. We need to be honest with our friends, but mostly ourselves, on what it is we need from our friendships: Acceptance, to feel seen, to be included, to feel as if they care and you matter, corny jokes, the weather, life advice, memories…

Dani* told me that she is tired because she has realized recently that a few of her friendships are taking more than they give. <Well Emma, isn’t that how relationships go? You would be right, some of the time – and that is OK.> If a relationship (or person) is constantly taking more than he/she is putting into it on a REGULAR basis, the scales will ultimately tip. You see my friend is feeling this. She is a giver by nature, always has been and does not require a lot. But damn, is it too much to ask for her friends (the ones she is referencing) to ask how she is doing? Call or text for the SOLE purpose to say hi and check on HER? She needs to know that she is not just a “friend” because of what she does and can do to help. Just because she is a “Low Maintenance” friend does not mean she doesn’t deserve the same attention given to the “High Maintenance” friends.

Anna Grace*, a friend in a different group, said that she has started evaluating the relationships in her life as well. She is removing the people that she feels are “toxic” and not part of her new, positive life changes. Good for you! This is not easy to do and often an unpopular opinion. It is OK to walk AWAY from people in your life if they are toxic or bring constant negativity to your life.

Anna Grace* understood the assignment y’all. When we were discussing friendships she said, “different friend groups bring a different purpose for me – not anyone better or worse or more fulfilling than the other.” YES! I knew this, I guess the ah-ha moment for me is realizing that despite grouping our friends, that does not mean they can’t surprise you with what they bring to the table. I should know this better, because I have friends that are in more than one group or have crossed from one group to another.

I realized that just because something is important to me, does not mean that it will be important to my friends. The support I thought – hoped – that I would receive from one friend group – an Adult friendship group – has actually come from another – Work Friends. That is OK too!

I’ve had to not only evaluate my own friendships, but also the type of friend that I am for these posts. Just like with all other things in life there was some good – things I want to keep doing, and some bad – things that have to change or be fixed. Almost everyone, that took time to discuss friendships with me, said that time would be the thing they would like to change about friendships. The amount of time we have to spend with friends is limited, for various reasons and excuses. The amount of time we have is limited, PERIOD. So are we, myself included, going to continue to say “we need to do dinner soon” or are we actually going to plan the damn dinner and go? Spend time with the people you enjoy, and those that bring positivity to your life. Life is too short otherwise!

*Names have been changed – stories have not.

This is Part 2 of TBD on Adult Friendships. Part 1: https://emmaswarmestregards.com/2022/01/06/many-people-will-walk-in-and-out-of-your-life-but-only-true-friends-will-leave-footprints-in-your-heart-eleanor-roosevelt/.

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